Fear: Feel it; face it; leverage it

Every now and again in our lives, we hit a brick wall. We may have set some amazing goals and achieved them, and then fall apart immediately afterwards and can’t understand why. We may have worked our way through one of life’s challenges; a marriage/relationship break-down; a redundancy; a failed business, yet once the challenge appears to be over and we have dealt with the fallout we get sick.

This is all totally normal. We live in a time of high expectations; where we ‘should’ be brilliant and rich and successful. And if we are not, we beat ourselves up. Regularly.

So every now and again, the following exercises have helped me deal with what I’ve perceived to be a failure, but given time actually ends up being the exact thing that needed to happen to me so I could go on to the next stage of my journey. Didn’t someone once say – We plan, God laughs.

Sometimes the very worst thing that can happen to us, shows us a new way of thinking and being; it can open a door that you had never even considered walking through. Sometimes the thing we feared the most ends up being our greatest opportunity to ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’.

Here are a few exercises I’ve used over the years. Give them a go. Do them honestly and be amazed at the load just doing the exercise will lift off you.

Step 1: My 3 top fears are:

Fear of death
Fear of public speaking
Fear of making a mistake
Fear of being ridiculed
Fear of meeting new people
Fear of looking dumb
Fear of being trapped
Fear of being invisible
Fear of being visible
Fear of being alone
Fear of not belonging anywhere
Fear of poverty
Fear of illness and pain
Fear of authority
Fear of making the wrong decision
Fear of not being good enough/smart enough
Fear of not being educated enough
Fear of………………………………………………

Step 2: Write a short sentence about each of the topics below:

* Your strengths

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

* Your weaknesses

* Your ability to find meaning in events

* Your ability to stay in the present

* Your ability to be yourself around others

* Your willingness to ask for and listen to feedback

* Your ability to trust the process and allow it to unfold

* Your ability to laugh at yourself

* Your level of creativity

* Your ability to handle fear and self-doubt

* Your ability to sit in the moment if things aren’t quite working out

* Your ability to look for and accept the purpose/messages in obstacles

* Your ability to disagree and feel OK about that

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

* Your ability to say ‘no’

* Your willingness to say ‘yes’

* Your level of optimism

* Your thoughts on responsibilities and accountability – yours and other people’s

* Your significant achievements and proudest moments

* How you reward yourself for successes

* The person you admire most and why

Step 3: Our energy level and even our health is being directly affected by our beliefs, thoughts, language and actions, all of which show up in the following behaviours:

On a scale of 1-10 (1 being ‘I don’t do this. 10 – I am seriously guilty of this):

Negative self-judgement
An inordinate need for control
Blaming others for your situation
Pessimism
I know things won’t work out so I don’t even try
A desire for revenge
Regrets over failures
Resentments about injustices
A need to keep revisiting past hurts
Holding on to grudges long past the event
Anger against others
Jealousy of other people’s successes
Unwillingness to learn new things
Unwillingness to accept personal responsibility

BELIEFS: There is a reason the saying ‘if you believe you can or believe you can’t, you are absolutely right’ plays out in all our lives every day.

My ability to see the purpose in obstacles is V.Strong. Strong. Average. Weak. Depends.
I believe my ability to take emotional risks is V.Strong. Strong. Average. Weak. Depends.
My ability to take financial risks is V.Strong. Strong. Average. Weak. Depends.
My ability to speak my truth on controversial V.Strong. Strong. Average. Weak. Depends.
My ability to laugh at myself is Exceptional. Fabulous. Great. Okay. Depends
I believe I am creative Absolutely. Very much so. Somewhat. Not very.
My level of optimism is Very high. High.Moderate. Low. Depends
My ability to find meaning in events is Very high. High. Moderate. Low. Depends
My ability to surrender (let go of control) is V.High. High. Moderate. Low. Depends
I trust myself to make good decisions Absolutely. Most of the time. Sometimes. Maybe. Depends.
Fears block my progress Constantly. Often. Occasionally. Hardly ever.
I never believe that I am good enough Constantly. Often. Occasionally. Hardly ever

HOMEWORK:

THINK ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS:

We all lose creative power when we think from any of the above energy-draining processes.
To stop the loss of power, train yourself to notice when your thoughts are rooted in any of these energy states. Suspend that thought. Let it go. Visualise detaching from it. Remember it is only as real as the energy you give it. An old trick but still a valuable one, is to wear a rubber band around your wrist, and every time a negative thought creeps into your mind, snap the band. It will hurt and be a great reminder to stop the thought in it’s track
Ask yourself “What purpose is being served by continuing these thoughts”.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

Begin to listen to the language you use in conversation with others. The unconscious mind stores as Truth everything you say or even joke about. As in ‘I always …….’ Or ‘I never …….’. The Universe will give you exactly what you asked for (except winning Lotto).

For example:

‘There’s nothing I can do’ will leave you feeling powerless; how about re-framing that into – I’m going to look at some options

‘This is just the way I am’ – will leave you stuck in old behaviours. Re-frame to ‘I’m going to work on a couple of things about me that I’m not happy with.’

‘He/she gets right under my skin’ will actually manifest in bodily pain i.e. migraines, shingles. So how about re-framing that to ‘I don’t actually like that person so I’m going to get to know them better. I want to understand why I feel this way about them.’

DECIDE ON NEW ACTIONS

To regain energy, practice forgiving yourself and others in any problematic situation. Forgive and make an intention to move on.
Watch any tendency to keep bringing these patterns back into conversation.
Start a gratitude journal, sometimes we get so caught up in the things that are not working in our lives, we forget to be thankful for the things that ARE working

Changing behaviours takes time. Don’t beat yourself up if you have good days and bad days, just be determined that you want to change and you won’t let anything stop you.

Step 4: GOAL SHEET. Complete this sentence: Right now I would love to STOP (just one thing)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I plan to START (just one thing)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I would love to attract (just one thing)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

By when: …………………………………………………………………………………..

Who will I ask to support me in this? (we all need a supporter if we are serious about changing behaviours)

…………………………………………………………………………….………………..

Your signature (by signing this you have already made a shift in your thinking and fear levels)

…………………………………………………………………………….………………..

Their signature (by getting your support person to sign this, you are giving them permission to give you feedback on progress)

…………………………………………………………………………….………………..

And I just have to leave you with this amazing thought:

‘When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are

about to step out into the darkness of the unknown. Faith is knowing

that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.’

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Ann Andrews CSP

Author: Lessons in leadership: 50 ways to avoid falling into the ‘Trump’ trap

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